Better Than Nothing
by papyrusrex
Summary: James and Lily used to stay up talking in the Gryffindor common room, both unable to sleep. Now in summer, they've got more freedom to wander around during their late night conversations. Rated M for language.


A/N: I have to write an analysis on interactive fiction, as well as French assignments to answer... But I guess I should first start uploading the drabbles I've posted on tumblr. I edited this one, specially the hastily written ending, but the essence of everything is the same. Hope you enjoy this.

* * *

_12-July-77_

_Why is this part always weird? You know who you are. And if the letter isn't intended for whoever else is reading, piss off._

_Hello, there. How are things? Family's alright? All settled in your home? So… I reckon that's enough small talk, yeah? Alright._

_I haven't been able to sleep well recently. At first I tried to convince myself that I just needed to get used to my room again... I think we both know how well that worked out. I think I'm just not able to sleep at the conventional sleeping hours, you know? I still remember something you told me in one of those first nights, about a month ago. That you're tired and you close your eyes and you start thinking and once you start, you can't stop. And suddenly all the energy that was missing in the morning comes to you and there's nothing you can do. That there's nothing more frustrating than being wide awake and looking at the clock and seeing that you've been turning around in your sheets for more than an hour. (Clearly the solution here is to never start to think, but I haven't figured that out yet and I've not heard anything from you on this, so I'd reckon you haven't either.)_

_Or something like that. You're better with words than me. (But I do listen to you, you see. I wasn't lying.)_

_Every night I'm reminded of that. It only makes me think of those nights with you. I get too nostalgic, really, seeing as the last time we talked to each other was about a week ago._

_Anyway… Can you sleep? Because I can't._

_If you can't, let's go and do something? Get a beer, walk around now that we don't need to worry about prefects patrolling and curfew (not that those worried us too much), talk about anything other than school. I don't know. Anything._

_I'm going mad here, Lily._

_James._

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She walked a few steps in front of him. Her hands were extended to her side, creating balance as she walked over the bricks separating the flowers and the pavement. He walked over to her.

"I fucking hate it," sighed Lily. "I've also been going mad."

"That bad?"

"Yeah, I always stay the first two weeks at home so to spend time with my family, but-" She groaned.

He smiled. "But what's so bad about it?"

"Everything," she smiled to him. The bricks below brought her level to him. She shrugged. "Alright, not everything. Half of it's because of my sister, and mum's a good person and all, but you've got the magic barrier."

One, two, three, four, five steps and he didn't say anything. He knew better.

"I guess you don't know what I mean by that."

"Not completely, no. Doesn't she like magic?"

"No, she does," she said. "It's just… Well, there's only so much I can tell her with her understanding. There's people who like concrete things and those who like abstract things, right? She's a concrete person who sees magic as something abstract. The most I can talk to her with mutual understanding is about friends."

"And there's not that much you can tell her about?"

"Yes and no. It's not like I'm going to tell her everything, but it's not because I've got my secrets and pranks to hide from her," she smiled.

He chuckled, placing his hands on his pockets. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know what I'm talking about."

"I'm a mother's dream. I'm well-behaved, intelligent, good-looking, talented, Quidditch-"

"Humble."

"And humble. Merlin forbid we forget about my humility."

"Bullshit."

"Oi, let's be nice here, Evans," he smiled.

Her laughter caused her to lose balance. She stepped into the road, regaining it. She smiled and returned to her previous actions.

They continued walking in silence. Her hands beside her, giving her balance. His hands inside his pockets, stopping their movement.

"It's just so dull, you know? The Muggle world," she sighed. An ending to the road could be seen, signaling a corner of the city's small park. "There's a place nearby that's open all night. Want to go buy some ice cream?"

"Lily, it's past midnight."

"So? It's got its calcium and protein, if you choose a good one, and those two things help you sleep."

"It's also got sugar, which doesn't."

"Well, we're not going to sleep soon either way, aren't we?" He took a breath, biting his lip. She smiled. "And it'll give you a boost and then a crash. You'll feel better after it."

She hopped off the bricks and into the pavement. They crossed the empty street. He followed her tracks, until they saw a shop's lights.

"Let's go."

He had no other choice but to enter along with her.

With a roll of his eyes: "You're mad."

With a smile on her lips: "It's the Muggles. They're maddening me up." She deepened her voice to what he guessed was supposed to sound like the Anti-Muggle propaganda in the wireless. "They're dull. They're a plague, an infestation. They must be exterminated. Help us clean this country. Join the cause."

He held her hand as she entered the aisle lined with refrigerators. She turned around, an eyebrow raised.

"Can you not talk like that?"

"It's how they talk," she shrugged. "I might as well make fun of it."

"It's not funny."

"Well, it's not like anyone believes the props, right? Only those who fund and make it," she said. She opened a door and looked at him expectantly. He shrugged. She picked a small bowl inside.

"Some people do believe that, though. Other than those who fund and make it."

"What?" She smiled and released a fake chuckle. "No, they don't."

He followed her down the aisle and to the cash register. She took her handbag and paid with her Muggle money before he could do anything about it.

He eyed the man behind the desk and continued talking.

"They do, though, and that's what doesn't make it funny," he said. She raised her eyebrows. "The ones supporting the props are people in power and a lot of people blindly follow them because, well, they've got power."

"Yeah, well," she said with a bitter smile. "Those people are idiots."

"Doesn't make them any weaker, unfortunately."

"Thank you, goodnight," she said to the man. James nodded as they left the shop. "Now, there's an open café that have spoons. Why they've got a coffee shop open at these hours, I'm not sure, but we need a pair of spoons. Anyway, like we were saying, do these followers have any power at all?"

"Haven't you even seen the Daily Prophet recently?"

"I unsubscribed when they started printing bullshit," she said.

"So, did you ever subscribe then?"

"For about a month. Decided it was better to just borrow it from Mary. She only reads the entertainment section, anyway, maybe an extra column or two." She looked inside the neighboring café. "The employee is sleeping, let me just…"

She looked around the empty road. She took her wand from inside her handbag and sent a non-verbal _silencio_ to the bell by the door.

She entered the establishment. He kept the door open as she quietly stepped toward the lateral counters and took two plastic spoons. The employee didn't move. She hurried to the door, which he slowly closed.

"Awesome," she smiled. She walked around her city's center. James followed her. "Now, like I was saying, I think they're just telling you what they want you to know, not what you need to know."

"But they're the only reputable newspaper there is."

"Ah, and that shows you how corrupt the system is. Everyone's so used to magic fixing everything that they don't do anything about their problems. I'm telling you tonight, the war's going to break out soon, lots of followers or not, and only three cats will fight against them. Everyone else will just wait for him to die and so the war can end."

...

"Three cats?"

"It's a saying, James."

He sighed. "It's coming a lot more sooner than you'd think. I'd subscribe to the Daily Prophet again, at least for the summer. You'll know some of the things that're happening and there's sometimes rays of truths if you read between the lines."

She shrugged.

She sat down in the first bench she saw in another park. She crossed her legs and opened the ice cream container. He sat down beside her, looking around. She must've read his mind.

"The city council's convinced that because they demolished some buildings and planted trees, the pollution will go away. Muggles have their issues too, but at least there's always someone trying to make things better."

"Even if it's just one cat?"

She laughed. "Yes, even if it's just one cat. Usually one cat, yeah."

He sighed. He took the remaining spoon and unwrapped it. The ice cream was made out of chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate.

They were going to regret this so much.

"I like the Muggle world," said James. Lily raised her eyebrows. "No, really, I do. There's so many Muggles. Kind of like an infestation, but in a good way, if you will. They huddle up together and everything is so… anonymous, you know?"

"Not really, no."

"Well, right now. Who was that guy in that store? The guy in the coffee shop? Do you know? Because I don't." She shook her head. "And you say this isn't a big city. Imagine how it is in London, for example. You could meet hundreds of people without leaving your area."

"And you like that?"

"It's just completely different. Everyone knows almost everyone and it gets annoying. I can't even walk around any Wizarding place without anyone recognizing me."

"The perks of being a pureblood."

"More like the one of the worst things. Sometimes you just don't want to see anyone, you know?"

"Yeah. But walking around and not knowing anyone? That could get lonely."

"It's not as if I'm going to snap my wand and live the Muggle life."

"Yeah, you don't need to snap it. You already forget about it and leave it around enough for that lifestyle."

"Nice one."

She smiled. "I know, right?"

"You're so rude sometimes." He propped his arm against the bench and laid his head above it. "I don't know why I put up with you."

"I'm not rude. I just remind you of your flaws," she smiled. "Someone has to throw you down of that high horse."

"But I like horses."

"You're alone in that one, mate."

"Rude."

She laughed. He couldn't help but also smile.

"You know, I missed this," she smiled. Her eyes were fixed on the significantly different container between them. "I missed having a good, intelligent conversation with someone. I don't care if the exams fuck with my sleeping schedules and I can't reclaim it, it's worth it."

James smiled. He didn't say anything until she looked up.

"Lily Evans, is that a compliment?"

"Don't get used to it," she muttered, even if she was also smiling.

"I'm going to write it down on my bedroom wall. Every time I feel down, I'll look at that compliment and feel better."

"Arse."

"And she returns!"

She rolled her eyes. He hid his eyes with his hand as he laughed.

"Let's do this more often, then, because I also missed this," he finally said.

She smiled. "How often?"

"I don't know."

"Every week?"

He smiled. "Deal."

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Lily passed another page of the book. She read it, unlike the previous night. A pity, because it was actually quite a good book. If she hadn't merely scanned the pages without learning what had been happening, maybe she would already know if the main character's mother would return and if the chemistry between her and the journalist was part of her imagination.

_TACK._

Lily leapt up from her bead. As her mother would say, she felt like her heart was in her throat. She looked at the clock.

Fuck. She knew it. She knew that eventually a ghost would come to her late at night to haunt her. She knotted her hair and held her ankles. Maybe if she forgot about him, the ghost would-

_TACK._

It came from the window. Was it a drunken animal? An urgent owl? A ghost?

Lily sighed, grabbing her wand from the nightstand. Four steps later, she was by the window and the cause of the racket was at full view, a two or three meters below.

That dickhead.

She opened it and used her best carrying whisper to speak down.

"James Leandros Potter-"

"Anything but the middle name-"

"You just scared the living shite out of me. I'm allowed to use the middle name!"

"I just want to see if yesterday's thing could be done tonight instead?" he asked. She looked inside to her bed, where her paperback had been left. "What are you doing?"

"Just reading." He raised an eyebrow. She sighed. "Fine. There's a small playground at the corner of the street. Wait for me there."

Lily sighed, snapping the window shut. She dressed with better clothes and pocketed her wand. Thinking that she would make more noise closing the doors and going down the stairs, she decided to apparate.

It was almost two in the morning. If anyone saw her, they'd probably go to sleep and not raise any alarm.

She found James waiting for her in one of the swings. The other one was wet with the night's rain, so she merely stood beside him.

"You're late."

"I've got a good reason."

"By twenty four hours, give or take a few."

"Actually, I've got a good reason," he said. She raised her eyebrows. "Now, could you sit down? You're making me anxious."

"The seat's wet."

"You're a witch."

"Ah."

She evaporated the raindrops and sat down. She pushed herself back with her feet and sighed.

"I was with Sirius last night. And I know that alone isn't something new," he added before she could say anything else. "He just… He moved into my house some days ago. I couldn't just leave him alone."

"Yet here you are."

"I left him asleep. He won't wake up in several hours, and if he does, I left a note saying I'd gone to buy more alcohol," he shrugged. "He's better now."

"What happened?"

He pushed himself back in the swing. Lily waited as she'd learnt to do with him.

"I don't know. Ran away. I'm not entirely sure of what happened," he said. "Bits and pieces I've sewn together, but I guess he couldn't deal with his family anymore."

"Ah. The ancient house of Black."

"Yeah."

They sat in silence beside each other, just going back and forth and back and forth in their respective swings.

James opened his mouth to talk, because who knew what the fuck was going through that mind of hers when-

"You know, that is bullshit."

James stopped himself from smiling.

"What?"

"It's bullshit how they've forced him to adhere to a way of life that doesn't correspond to how he thinks. I mean, I've thought many things about Sirius Black throughout the years, but I've never thought he'd be capable of being like them."

He leaned his head against the chain.

"The horrible thing, though, is that he didn't know any better before he got to Hogwarts, don't you remember?"

"I can imagine," she sighed.

He smiled, deciding to change the mood of the conversation.

"What else have you thought about him?"

"About Sirius?" He nodded. She smiled. "A lady never tells."

He laughed. "Come on, just one thing."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because then you'll tell him!"

"I won't tell him."

"Oh, you'll tell him. You're both like an old married couple."

"I swear on Circe I won't tell him."

She raised her eyebrows. "Easy there, mate."

"Yeah, I wouldn't have really done that."

She laughed, "And you expect me to believe that you won't tell him?"

He smiled. "Do you want me to swear on Circe?"

"No!"

"I'm getting mixed signals here, Evans."

Lily sighed, a smile on her lips.

"Alright, you idiot, but you can't tell him."

"I won't," he said, nodding for emphasis.

"I, kind of, might've thought that he's a bit of a cold prick?" said Lily, leaning away from him.

To her amazement, he laughed.

"Well, he's kind of like that with people he doesn't know well, yeah," said James.

"Kind of?"

"A little."

"A little? I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a great person but-"

"I didn't get you wrong," he smiled. "Calm down, I won't blast you off for saying that."

Lily smiled. "Alright."

She pushed herself away from the ground. It didn't take much until James stood up beside her.

"Come on."

"Come on where?"

"Well, I kind of told Sirius I was out to buy alcohol and that's really not a lie. We've ran out," he shrugged.

She raised her eyebrows. "You're not of age in the Muggle world, you know?"

"It's a good thing I'm not a Muggle. It's easy."

He held out his hand. She sighed, grabbing it and standing up.

"You'll have to lead the way, though, because I don't remember it," he said. Lily raised her eyebrows. "To the shop we bought the ice cream the other day? Wasn't it an everything store?"

"Fine," she sighed. He followed her out of the park. She stopped at the pavement and bit her lip. James looked away. "Alright, there's another one nearby, but… Eh, we'll get faster, yeah."

She turned to her left, James behind her.

They didn't speak for the first half of the walk.

James tried to focus on the brick houses, but they were too alike to be interesting. There were a bit more circulation of people in the area, unlike last week. He noticed that, whenever she saw people, Lily walked closer to him and kept her hand near the pocket with her wand inside it. He did the same.

He decided to break the silence as they turned at a street. He'd never liked that.

"Have you been keeping an eye on the Quidditch league?"

"Just what Lara informs me."

"What about the- Ah, right, no Prophet for you."

"Nope."

"Haven't subscribed?"

"Nah, I asked her to owl me in case something big happens instead."

"You do know that the Arrows play against the Catapults next week, right?"

"We are? Fantastic," she smiled at him. "We're going to crush you so horribly."

"Lily, the Arrows haven't won a game in two years," he said.

She took a deep breath. "James, let's not do this again. Just accept that we're going to crush you."

"Two years, Lily," he repeated, a smile on his face. "Two years!"

"Don't be such a defeatist," she smiled. "We can still win."

"Yes, I will be a defeatist because I want the Arrows to lose, naturally," he smiled. They turned to another street and- "Didn't we turn out of this street some time ago?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," she said, looking straight forward. "Why do you want the Arrows to lose, though? I thought you were on our side."

"Lily, I'm a Catapult to the end. Why would I root for the Arrows?"

"Everyone roots for the Arrows," she mocked.

"You're the only one who roots for the Arrows," he said, even if he also couldn't stop smiling.

She smiled. "What? James, come on, we're the best team there is."

"Two years! The three times in recent history that the Cannons have won a match? It was against the Arrows!"

"That's a low blow, Potter," she laughed. She pointed to an open store in the first landing of a building. "That's the store. I reckon you know what you're going to buy?"

"Whichever is fine," he shrugged, entering the empty shop. He pointed at one behind the counter, showing an identification card that looked awfully legitimate, and proceeded to pay with his Muggle money. "You want to come over for the match next week?"

"No, I wouldn't-"

"Come on, everyone will be happy to see you. Sirius would be glad that someone will root for the Arrows along with him. Just come, please?"

She looked at him as he grabbed the plastic bag. There was no way she could reject that, unfortunately. He raised his eyebrows.

Her eyes followed his body as he walked out the shop.

She stood up straight and followed him back to where they'd come from. She tried to sound normal. "Sirius likes the Arrows, too?"

He laughed. "No, sorry, he just goes to whichever team will lose."

"Rude."

"Tell it to him. The thing is, though, if the Arrows do win, you get the joy of gloating along with him." His smile turned into a grimace. "Damn, no, that would be horrible. Both of you would be insufferable."

"Well, get ready because-"

"Yeah, not going to happen, Evans."

She faked a sigh as they entered another street. "Fine, if it's going to be like that… I guess I won't go."

"Come on, don't-"

"I'm joking... God," she smiled. "Please, as if I would reject an offer like that. Come on."

He smiled. "Great. I'll have to apparate with you there, though, but that's no problem. So, what's next? What are we going to do now?"

Lily looked away, took a deep breath. She wasn't strong enough tonight. She hadn't been ready to endure his presence. She looked down.

"Actually, I had this… book, you know?"

"Ah, right, shit. Sorry."

"No, it's alright, I just… Yeah."

"Sorry."

"Don't be."

The rest of the walk was silent. They were cautious, but they didn't encounter anyone else on their way to her home. A wave of a hand sent them away. But in the end, Lily rested her head beside the closed book she no longer had interested in reading.

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"That was… the Bob one."

"Dylan."

"That's the one."

"You're getting good at this."

"Not as good as the Catapults, tho-"

"Bloody hell, are you going to let that go? That was three weeks ago."

"Never."

The two of them talked in a corner of the pub, surrounded by the smell of cigarettes, the loud chatter of a weekend night, and what they considered to be good music. Lily smiled, leaning her head against the wall as another song started playing.

"What about that one? We've heard that one at least once every night."

"The ones with the letters."

She laughed, "Good enough."

He brought the drink to his lips, the one that must be warm by now, and smiled. He kept smiling and if Lily had to defend herself, she would just say she was smiling at the music like he was.

"You know, I think music's one of the things Muggles do better than us," he said.

"There's just more to choose from."

"And they're all pretty great."

She shrugged, "If you say so."

"But you like this type more than ours, no?"

"Of course I do, how can I not? I think Wizards' music is a bit too harsh or too sentimental. You guys have no in between," she added.

"Some things do. I mean, alright, a lot of things don't," he said, rolling his eyes. She smirked. "You either get a potion correct or not."

"Yeah," she smiled, "you would know about that."

"Excuse you?"

"Nothing, I just remembered…" She laughed.

"Oh, Merlin, what."

"D'you remember that time Peter tried to make the Antidote for-"

"Shit."

"And his' was horrible, it exploded."

"Stop."

"But yours? Yours would've reinforced the poison," she laughed. "Your face when Slughorn told you was hilarious."

"The only time," he groaned. "The only time I messed up a potion and it's remembered by everyone."

"It's not your every day that James Potter messes something up," she smiled. "So they say."

"Yeah, it's more like every hour or so, to be honest, but I'll take it as a compliment," he said, looking at her. She rolled her eyes. He drank, before adding, "We've all had our messes inside the Potions classroom. Except you; you somehow brew everything perfectly."

"I've not!"

"Oh, you have, Slughorn adores you," he laughed. "You're a sluggy."

"You would be too if you went to the events." He shrugged. "I just realise my mistakes on time and try to fix them as quickly as I can. It's not my fault no one else notices theirs."

"Here's to hoping you mess up next year," he smiled. He raised his drink. She rolled her eyes, but raised hers mockingly.

"Don't worry, I will," she said, with a smile plastered onto her face, before taking the drink to her lips. "I think the Slytherins would love that, don't you think? The Mudblood all covered in the slightly metaphorical mud that is a horribly brewed potion."

"Come on, they only do that because you're twice, thrice the witch that they'll ever be."

"That makes them sound like they're bad wizards."

"While it isn't exactly related to the skill, it's supposed to, yeah," he shrugged. "I mean, they're supporting the discrimination and murder of some people that haven't done anything wrong. We're all equal. We're all the same, whether we're Mugg-"

He was interrupted by a pair of lips upon his, something that they'd both vowed to never do.

It didn't last much, however.

Lily took a step back, her eyes wide. She whispered quietly.

"Fuck."

"What-"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck…"

He wanted to do something, anything, but she stepped back once again before he could try. With many swear words under tow, she turned around and sped out of the pub.

James found her several meters away from the establishment, walking away. She stopped once he reached her.

He let her stay in silence for a while, looking at her reflection against a shop's glass, one hand over her face and the other over the hip.

"I fucked up," she whispered.

"You.. What?"

"I fucked up, alright?" she said, turning towards him. "I fucked up. I cocked up. I screwed up. I-"

"Breathe, Lily. Saying it in different ways isn't going to make it any truer."

Lily took her hand to her hair, looking at him. He placed his hands on his pockets, wary of getting too close or asking the wrong question. He waited instead.

"I shouldn't have had kissed you." She turned around. "Shit."

"Why not?"

"Because…"

He leaned against the shop's glass. When she didn't elaborate her answer, he repeated his question.

"Why not?"

"Because we can't, James."

"Why can't we?" She took a deep breath, but remained silent. "Come here, look at me, let's talk about this."

She turned around. "How are you even so calm about this?"

He raised his shoulders. "I don't know, why aren't you?"

"Because…"

"Look, come on, stand beside me and breathe for a while. Let's do only that for a while." She sighed, running her hands through her hair, but finally calmed down enough to quietly stand beside him. He counted off the seconds. "What's so bad about it?"

"What's so-"

"I mean, hear me out, it was just a kiss, right? If it causes anything, great. If it doesn't," he added before she could say anything. "If it doesn't, I could deal with that."

She didn't say anything, neither did he. They were both perfectly aware that she was the only one who needed to speak, to agree or disagree with the unspoken question floating between them.

Moments passed until Lily took another deep breath. She turned around, her shoulder against the shop's glass, and looked directly at him. He did the same.

"Okay, I guess it's not necessarily as bad as it could be. There's only one thing," she said, closing her eyes. "No one can know."

"No one?"

"No one."

"Am I allowed to ask why?"

"You know why."

James didn't know why. He raised his eyebrows.

"James, you know why nobody can know."

"I don't." She raised an eyebrow. He threw his hands in the air. "I don't know!"

"Because of them, James. It's always because of them."

He looked up. He placed his hands over his hips. He walked around. He ran his hands through his hair. He sat down on the curb, knees bent, and his hands against his face.

She sat down beside him, to his right, looking at her hands.

"Lily, who cares what they think? Weren't you saying that to me the other day? And if anyone doesn't like it, you can kindly tell them to fuck off."

"It's not about that."

"You can't keep doing this to yourself."

...

"I'm not doing it for myself, James."

He sighed, looking beside him, cheek against shoulder. She didn't look up from her hands. But she knew he was staring. He knew she did.

"You don't have to do that."

She looked up to his eyes. "I want to do it."

He sighed. She directed her sight to the strands of loose thread at the bottoms of her jeans. It returned to his eyes as he placed his hand above her right shoulder.

"People will find out."

"They don't have to."

"They will, though. The truth always comes out."

She sighed.

"I know it does, I just…" She raised her

"Want to avoid it and what it implies?"

"Yes." She looked down. "Sorry."

He smiled. "It's better than nothing, don't you think?"

She smiled. "A lot better."

The world was a messed up, fucked up place. They knew that. But with their arms around each other, their tangled breaths, and their matching smiles, nothing seemed as dark as it was.


End file.
